Mr. Never Give Up — May 29, 2015
Mr. I’m Horny? — May 27, 2015
And To Seal The Deal… — May 18, 2015

And To Seal The Deal…

and to seal the deal

Sexually really dumb…? No, you’re full on human dumb.

Pro tip: If a woman doesn’t respond to your “extreme” message the first time, chances are she won’t respond to your second offensive attempt at getting laid. If you’re that desperate, go to a bar dude. It’s called a one night stand.

Mr. Hotel Motel, Holiday Over — May 11, 2015

Mr. Hotel Motel, Holiday Over

We met at a trendy new bar for a couple of cocktails… is what was supposed to happen on my Hinge date. Instead, I got a text midway through the day asking if we could possibly change plans. “I would rather not.” “Sure,” I respond because I am a super chill lady, always up for shaking things up a bit, I think.

Turns out, I should have thought twice. The newly proposed plan was to meet at a new boutique hotel for “an event.” Please note the vague language there. I was left guessing the rest of the day. What was this event? Some cool party he got us access to? Or is it some weird networking event where he could avoid buying our drinks?

Of course, I entered through door #2. I showed up at this hotel, to see a hodgepodge of people who could only be described as geek, non-chic. They were all mingling behind a velvet rope that partitioned the lobby. And then here comes my date – a man shorter than anticipated, with significantly less hair.

Dammit. Ok, deep breath. It’s going to be fine, I tell myself. Not ideal, but fine.

Or not. Really, really not.

After quick introductions, he asked if I’d like a drink. Of course, I say yes. Give me wine now. Right now. He obliged, and headed towards the event area. I go with him, or at least I try to until he lets me know that I’m actually not allowed because I’m not on the “list”.

I’m sorry, what!? You invited me to an event that I’m not actually invited to..? Awesome. So yes, he leaves me to linger awkwardly in the lobby whilst he disappears behind the velvet rope and proceeds to sneak out free drinks.

So now I’m thinking, I could not be more mortified but, no, Mr. Hotel Motel has more plans. Complete and absolute mortification comes about 20 minutes later.

Drinks in hand, we sit down to chat (yes, we’re still sitting in a hotel lobby) and by some miracle we start to hit an awkward but acceptable rhythm. It is at this point that he admits (to me, on this date… our very first date) that he thought the event was an easy way to avoid paying for alcohol. He also proceeds to tell me how he’s actually known about this event for weeks, but had totally forgotten about it until today. He “hoped that was okay” and I hoped the building would burst into flames so I would have an excuse to run away.

This fantasy was interrupted by a woman clearly on the hotel staff. At first, I thought she was going to politely ask us to vacate the premises for our stolen wine or loitering. That would have been welcomed at this point. But, nope. Instead, she asks my date if we were “ready”.

Without hesitation, Mr. Hotel Motel said “yes.” Pardon? So turns out, the “event” was actually a hotel preview. It gets better. He explains that he was attending on behalf of his work to see if it would be good for their clients to stay at. That’s right. This was a WORK event. Of course that meant we had to actually tour this hotel.

So off we go. We toured the lobby. The outdoor areas. And, yes, a luxury suite. It was right about that time that our tour guide says, “This would make a great spot for a nice staycation for the two of you.” I left.

Why I stayed for as long as I did, I cannot tell you. But, I can promise you that there is no chance is hell that I’m staycationing with Mr. Hotel Motel, Holiday Over.

Mr. Terminal Virginity — May 8, 2015

Mr. Terminal Virginity

IMG_0083

There are no words… Ok, there are a few words. What the EFF!?

There are so many things running through my head right now. Mainly, I REALLY want to know how many girls he’s sent this to and how many of them responded. Because, good lord. You have to be on a whole other level to a. come up with this shit and b. have the stones to send it to people. Fascinating…

I can say with absolute certainty that there is no chance in hell. Ever. Now, move along ya weirdo.

#compassionate

Blocked — April 25, 2015

Blocked

blocked

Couple things.

First. When you start out a message with “you’ll probably block me after this,” no matter what you say I will most certainly block you because now I feel like I need to. I also want to say that if ever you feel the need to preface a message like that, save yourself some time and stop right there.

Second. When you tell me you’re newly attracted to younger women because you’re going through a mid-life crisis, you’re not doing yourself any favors. It’s not only “cliche’,” but also very “lame.”

Third. I can promise you that nothing about your message made me feel that a response was in order, let alone “obligatory.”

Finally. It’s really not ok. I have no idea why you felt the need to send me this message in the first place. I cannot seem to find the point. So, yes. Consider yourself blocked.

50 Shades of Not a Chance —